Conflict is inevitable, in both your personal and your professional lives. What’s not inevitable, however, is ruining an otherwise good relationship. It’s absolutely possible to maintain a relationship during a conflict.

Why Relationships Are Important

Before I get into how to preserve the relationship, let’s take a moment to remember why we want to preserve it. In the heat of the moment, emotions run high. Have you ever said something you meant in the moment but then regretted later? You’re not alone.

Everyone needs quality, healthy, positive relationships (even the most introverted). As part of a Harvard Study of Adult Development study, researchers discovered just how important relationships are:

Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. That finding proved true across the board among both the Harvard men and the inner-city participants. Source

I like to view relationships as support bridges that keep us going in the hard times. During the good times, they’re also there to support and celebrate us. We, in turn, can be the bridge and support for others. Humans are all connected.

But that connection can be easily broken during a conflict unless we’re intentional about maintaining it.

4 Steps on How to Maintain a Relationship During a Conflict

If you can remember these next 4 steps, you’ll be more able to resolve your conflict without permanently ruining your relationship.

Step 1: Focus on the Bigger Issue

In an argument, our bodies go into fight-or-flight mode. This is known as an amygdala hijack. The amygdala is the part of your brain responsible for detecting fear and preparing our response. Have you ever been in the middle of a heated argument and feel your brain go blank? You can thank your amygdala for that.

To regain your focus, take deep breaths when you start tensing up. Get up and walk around if you need to release the built-up negative energy. In your head, repeat a mantra such as “this too shall pass,” or “this isn’t about me.” When you’re calm, you’re able to focus on the bigger picture and find common ground. Look for areas you both agree on and progress toward a mutual understanding.

Step 2: Assume the Other Person Has Good Intentions

Most conflicts are between two people who have good intentions but who hold two different opinions. Through active listening, empathy and validation skills, you can be present and invested. When someone feels they’re being ignored or worse, dismissed, you’ve damaged your ability to resolve the issue and maintain the relationship.

Step 3: Use Positive Reframing

Learning how to use the right words in an argument can make the difference between calming someone down and igniting their anger. Negative words and negative interpretations escalate a conflict quickly. One of the simplest ways to frame things positively is to say nothing. Just listen. When they’re done, ask a question rather than defend or assume. Asking, “Why did that make you angry?” or “What do you think about this situation” avoids spiraling into an emotionally charged argument and engages the person in rooting out the causes.

Step 4: Don’t Take Things Personally

In nearly all spiritual books, this adage is listed. Don’t take things personally. When someone conflicts with you, it’s not about your self-worth or value as a person. It’s about your actions (or inactions). But not taking things personally is often easier said than done. Here are a few tips to get you started:

Question your beliefs: When you feel offended by someone’s behavior, you have an unmet expectation. Someone else may not share your expectation. This is a great place to start detaching from the offending behavior.

Don’t worry about others’ opinions: You can’t control whether others approve of or like you. As you improve your self-esteem, you worry less about what others think of you.

Be aware of the “spotlight effect:” This is the tendency to think there’s a spotlight on you that means everyone sees your flaws. We all do it, but most of the time people aren’t pointing out our weaknesses.

Ignore the trolls and delete their comments: Expect and recognize trolls online when you see them. Delete them and move on with your life.

As with any new skill, you’ll improve upon these guidelines by practicing them. It can also be of great value to know your personality type, which helps you prepare for — and change — your natural, go-to response to conflict. It’s one of the many reasons our coaches use them. Contact us today to learn how you might leverage these evidence-based, valuable tools.